January 2025

I don't even know what to write. A month into 2025, and we in the U.S are seeing the unspeakable evilness that has always existed within our country rise to the surface. Racism, genocide, transphobia, Islamophobia, misogyny--none of this is new. White supremacy has always poisoned our laws and processes; I know this. And yet, things feel more hopeless than they have in a long, long time. 

Logically, I know the world keeps on turning regardless of what horrors persist--people fall in love, make homes, have babies, create art. But it feels impossibly selfish to set goals for myself in these trying times. (I don't say "resolutions" because honestly my priority each year is to survive, and with the world being in a perpetual state of tumult, who knows how things will change? I try to adjust my expectations for myself based on my circumstances, and so I try to be flexible when it comes to yearly goals.) What does it matter how many books I read or whether I get a callback for an audition or not? Isn't that just a distraction? 

I don't know. I'm sure people will say that I shouldn't wallow, that this is a time for action and not despair. That drowning in fear and worry won't help anything, and we should focus on fighting. And they're right; I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I try to remember Shelbi's adage "you can't do all the good the world needs, but the world needs all the good you can do" but it feels like every bit of good that I attempt is as impactful as a pebble tossed at a military tank. 

This is not to say I won't keep trying--masking, getting vaccines, donating, boycotting, voting, recycling/repurposing/reusing, petitioning, screaming when I should (or keeping my mouth shut when necessary). But my spirit is broken, and I don't have much hope that the future will ever get better. 

I don't want this post to feel depressing (too late, lol). For some reason I feel anxiety about leaving things there, so I guess let's set some "goals" that are really just attempts to inject some normalcy into this year. Maybe they'll work out, maybe they won't. They don't matter all that much anyway, but maybe it will help to work towards pointless goals alongside the more important work we have left to do. Maybe our chances of succeeding are higher that way?

WRITING GOALS

Update at least 3 working projects. Write at least one poem. - Both of my jobs involve a lot of writing, so when I'm feeling overwhelmed, it's hard for me to motivate myself to write creatively. (Also my computer only has about 200 charges left before I have to replace the battery and I know that's going to be a huge hassle.) Despite this, I love writing, and my mind is constantly turning over ideas for new stories or details I want to add to my current projects. 

As far as poetry goes, I tend to write more poetry when I'm experiencing a situationship or am in a "talking phase" with a crush (lol), so if I want to do better than last year, I need to reformat my thinking and seek inspiration in other places. (Not to say that I absolutely have no chance of falling in love this year, but in the current political climate I don't know how much I can trust the men around me to be as upstanding or compassionate they claim.)

READING GOALS 

Read at least 35 books, plays, and/or poetry collections. - I've read 2 books and 1 poetry collection and am partway through my third book so far this year, so maybe this will work out. I'm trying to pick books that encourage cultural competency or teach me something new since last year was pretty fluff-heavy, but I'm not writing off escapism entirely. 

Focus on reading more poetry collections and plays. - Already ahead of last year, when I read zero poetry collections/plays. 

Maintain more of a balance between nonfiction and fiction - The poetry collection was semi-autobiographical, so we're on the way. 

ACTING GOALS (if COVID safety measures allow)

Audition at least 3 times this year - auditioned once in January and have a February audition lined up 

Get a callback at least twice - halfway there (did not get cast though)

Perform at least once - we'll seeeeee. I'm feeling pretty optimistic about getting to participate in the Waterworks festival again this year, but it really depends on the plays that are selected. 

PERSONAL GOALS

I'm just going to list these here:

• Initiate more contact with friends, especially ones who live far away 
• Increase yearly income - this is looking pretty hopeless at the moment tbh
• Walk 4+ miles a day, 6-7 days a week - the ideal would be to bring it up to six or seven miles, 7 days a week; but the last time I hit that goal for a full week, I sprained my knee and had to take time off. Which, you know, kinda defeats the purpose. 
• Keep a weekly cleaning schedule - Mopping/dusting especially. I usually do these type of cleaning tasks on Saturday and Sunday afternoons, but this winter the weekends have been so busy that I haven't kept up with it like I planned. It's been hard to stay on top of everything at once. 
• Continue to post a blog post once or more a month 
• Purchase at least 75% of birthday + holiday gifts from small/local businesses 
• Make at least 1 collage, finish at least 2 puzzles, and complete at least 1 craft   
• Prayer journal at least once a month - this was a daily practice for me in 2016-2019 but it wasn't as feasible once I started working weird hours as an archivist/house manager. I still journaled infrequently during 2020-2022, but since then I haven't gotten back to it at all. I want to take it up again because the process redirected my attentions during prayers to the external instead of the internal. The process of writing prayers down helped me focus on gratitude and asking God to serve the needs of others + use me to make positive changes in their lives, as opposed to the current pattern of begging God to help us all get through the day every few hours starting the second I wake up, lol. 
• Watch at least 20 Asian dramas - this was my and my sister/TV buddy's goal last year and we ended up exceeding it for an overall total of 21. We're halfway through our second show for the year, so we are on track. Some of our most joyful or thoughtful conversations have stemmed from watching these, and a good method to trick yourself out of bad thoughts is the reminder that you haven't finished a show yet/to self-bribe with the first episode of a show you're looking forward to. Some minor goals:
• Watch at least one Asian drama from the 1990s 
• Watch at least one Asian drama from the 2000s (before the 2010s)
• End the year with a country of origin majority that is not South Korea (or a tie between South Korea and another country, if more feasible)
• Cook at least 3 meals I've never cooked before - I don't enjoy cooking, but my sister/roommate likes it even less, so I'm willing to take the L for her, haha. Unfortunately we've gotten into a bit of a rut here so I'm going to work on diversifying our options.