Christian Asexuality

Thank you so much to Anonymous, who identifies as an asexual Christian, for being the sensitivity reader for this post. Thank you also to Elijah (@elijahtayyt on Instagram) for putting me in touch with Anonymous. 

Hello! As you can see from the title, today I want to support and amplify the experiences of people who identify as aromantic/asexual, or who fall somewhere on the asexuality spectrum. Specifically, this post will focus on the experiences of aro/ace people within the Christian church/culture. 

"What Does It Mean to Be Asexual and Christian?" by Carly Delavan for Queer Grace (2018). This  comprehensive article describes various identities that may belong on the asexuality spectrum, defines several terms often used by people belonging to this community, and provides examples of how the church can be more inclusive of these identities. Additionally, the article includes a wealth of further resources, which I've copy-pasted below because the links didn't always work on the original webpage: 

• The Reformation Project, “Ace-traordinary Love Workshop: Asexual and Aromantic Identities and the Image of God” (video, 2019)
• Kaitlin Smith, Believe Out Loud, “Discovering My Asexuality” (2017)
• Josh Salisbury, The Guardian, “Meet the aromantics: ‘I’m not cold – I just don’t have any romantic feelings’” (2017)
• Asexual Visibility and Education Network
• Asexuality Archive
• Aydan, The Asexual Agenda, “Christianity and Asexuality"

"I Mistook My Asexuality For Sexual Purity" by Lindsey Harris (2015) is a personal account from an asexual Christian. (Just so you know: although the author credit at the bottom has links for social media, clicking on them brings up error messages, and I couldn't find any more recent pieces from the author under that name.)

"Growing Up As An Asexual Christian" by Kaitlin Smith. Another personal account that touches on the effects of purity culture within the church and the confusion that can cause. 

God is Grey's podcast interview with an anonymous asexual Christian about coming out & accepting herself for who she is. 

If you'd like to read my observations on how attitudes and teachings in Christian culture hurt these lovely folks, you can scroll down. I am not a member of the asexual community, so if you'd rather stick to the experiences of people who have actually lived that experience, that's totally understandable! You are the experts of your own experience, and it's my job to listen + believe. You are beautiful, complete, and loved.

MY THOUGHTS:

One reason asexuality is ignored by the church is because they don't know how to push their agenda onto many people who identify as asexual. The dynamics and frequency of sexual attraction vary based on where an asexual person falls on the spectrum. But in most of the spaces where Christian culture resides, sexual attraction is only viewed as one of two things: bad before (heteronormative) marriage, and normal after (heteronormative) marriage. 

Let's approach the "normal after (heteronormative) marriage" take first. A cold take, but a pervasive one nonetheless. Even if you're not a Christian, you've probably experienced some form of this intense pressure to wed. Never mind that marriage as it exists today (especially in legal terms) does not exist anywhere in the Bible. But that's a different post, so let's carry on: 

Some people on the aro/ace spectrum have no interest in forming romantic attachments (not all, of course!!) or choose to pursue a lifetime of singleness. If this describes you, then you are wonderful and I support you 100%! 

I have a problem with the idol that Christian culture has made of the nuclear family, and marriage in particular. If I had a nickel for every time a sermon or lecture claimed that the love between two spouses  is the "closest thing we have to God's love", I'd be as rich as Joel Osteen. Even in youth groups or bible studies dedicated to singles (separated from the couples groups, which is in itself an example of 'othering' behavior), so much of the focus is how to "prepare" for being a good spouse. Not a person, a spouse. How many times have you heard Christian parents gush about praying about their children's future spouses before they were old enough to date? Not trying to say that's wrong, it can be a sweet sentiment. I just think it's very telling that marriage is the thing we tend to focus on when imagining our children's futures, as if it's a given or a rite of passage everyone should and will take. 

Christianity also tends to acknowledge what the Bible says about singleness being beneficial (through the characters of Jeremiah, Mary & Martha, and Paul, in verses Matthew 19:11-12 and 1 Corinthians 7 and 1 Corinthians 32-35), without applying that to the current culture. Singleness is treated as a lesson in contentment or a sort of limbo where you can ~work on yourself~ until your spouse does come along...at which time you'll be ready to jump into matrimony after a year or less of dating. Singleness erasure in Christian culture is not the same thing as their erasure of the aro/ace experience,  but they often tend to go hand-in-hand. 

On the other hand, I've noticed that when the church is "accepting" of people who identify as aro/ace, they automatically equate it with celibacy and/or lifetime singleness. This not only generalizes the aro/ace experience, it delegitimizes the fluidity of attraction/interest and implies that relationships must look a certain way in order to be considered "normal". It's important to acknowledge aro/ace people who do fit that mold, but it's just as important to validate aro/ace people who desire relationships or whose experience fluctuates based on certain factors/circumstances. 

Now let's address the "bad before (heteronormative) marriage" take. 

If you grew up in Christian culture, you know that Christianity is obsessed with sexual attraction. The basis of purity culture, after all, is that everyone experiences sexual attraction to another person to a degree that it is a struggle to resist it. It's a strange catch 22: the more you struggle to maintain your purity, the worse of a Christian you are; and yet, if you "win" your struggle by staying a virgin until (heteronormative) marriage despite immense temptation, your testimony is more relatable & a better display of God's grace than those who never experienced temptation at all. And of course, women or LGBTQ people are reviled for "falling into sin", but if a man (married or not) does the same, suddenly the "we ALL fall short of grace!!! We ALL deserve forgiveness!!!" song starts playing. 

After (heteronormative) marriage, the idea is that sex between a married couple is tantamount to their happiness, although often only one member of the couple "needs" it to be satisfied (and we all know who that is). In fact, many pockets within Christian culture actually view sex as a representation of God's love--which sounds nice and all but subtly implies that if sex isn't your thing, something is wrong because why wouldn't you appreciate a gift from God??? This is especially true if you're a heterosexual, cisgender man--in Christian culture, an asexual man is a man waiting for his wife. An asexual married man is the punchline to a joke your pastor really shouldn't have told during his longwinded sermon that included way too many football references.

These people exist. There are probably more of them than you think. They are valid, and they are beautiful, and God created them to be exactly who they are...and the Christian church is hurting them.