Jane Austen x Mario Lyrics

So this might be the most unhinged blog post I've ever written...but I love Mario and I love Jane Austen so why not combine those two things? So, I give you: if Jane Austen characters were Mario lyrics. Just the lyrics. Not the songs. Because obviously. 

On to the chaos: 

Henry Tilney (Northanger Abbey)

"Whenever you feel like dancing, you don't have to dance alone" - "I Choose You" (2009) 

The scene where Henry compares dancing to marriage in order to state both his commitment to Catherine and his expectations of her lives rent free in my brain. 

Frederick Wentworth (Persuasion)

"It's like you caught up in a maze/But you keep on going in circles, girl when you're trying to find a way out/but it's time I put on my cape and put that S on my chest/girl, I wanna come and save you/but I'm stuck in the middle of seeing you hurt" - "Crying Out for Me" (2007)

Not only does this represent Wentworth's inner struggle of his persisting love for Anne battling his past resentment towards her, it was almost certainly his inner monologue when he rescued her from her overly excited nephews. Source cited: me.

James Rushworth (Mansfield Park)

"You must be out your mind, you got a lot of nerve/To think that I'm gonna chill after all the sh*t I heard/I d*mn near carried you, I could've married you/Good thing I found out 'fore I bought that seven-karat for you/I know you're sick about (The way I found you out)/Go head and pack it out (I hope he's got room in his house)/You should have thought of me before you hopped in them sheets/D*mn I can't believe that you did this to me." - "How Could You" (2004)

Okay so maaaaaybe Mr. Rushworth wasn't as outwardly upset as Mario clearly was when writing these lyrics (and he and Maria were fully married before she eloped with another man) but!! Whether you like Mr. Rushworth or not, you have to admit that Maria did him dirty. Henry Crawford wasn't even worth it considering he kept her as a mistress after causing such a scandal. 

Fitzwilliam Darcy (Pride and Prejudice)

"I'm just so confused, don't know what to do/'cause the way that it's feeling, I like how it's feeling/It's getting so hard, to fight that feeling." - "Kryptonite" (2007)

Oh Darcy. Mr. WHY DO I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU'RE POOR AND YOUR FAMILY IS EMBARRASSING??? 

Mr. Collins (Pride and Prejudice)

"Now that you've come front/I wanna thank your mom/for bringing you into this life, and making you my type."  - "C'mon" (2002) 

LISTEN. I love this line when used in the context of the song. LOVE this line. But that is because Mario is cool. If you were to put those words in a non-Mario, very uncool Regency era man's mouth, it would morph into the type of condescendingly cringe compliment that the likes of Mr. Collins would bestow. 

Mr. George Knightley (Emma)

"We wasted enough time/but I think we should kiss" - "The Hardest Moment" (2019)

Knightley is in love with Emma, but he is also exhausted, blunt, and perpetually scolding her for her meddling (and rightfully so). If you told me this phrase was said by him in the text, there's a 50% chance I would believe you. 

Anne Elliott (Persuasion)

"It feels so different being here/I was so used to being next to you/life for me is not the same, there's no one to turn to/I don't know why I let it go too far/starting over, it's so hard/seems like everywhere I try to go, I keep thinking of you." - "How Do I Breathe" (2007)

Post breakup, of course. Pining. Yearning. Loneliness. You get it. 

Fanny Price (Mansfield Park)

"Your true beauty's description/looks so good that it hurts/you're a dime plus ninety-nine/And it's a shame don't even know what you're worth." - "Let Me Love You" (2004)

Fanny doesn't believe she is beautiful and worthy but she is! She is not a burden! She is kind and shy and unassuming and far too lacking in self confidence!!! FANNY PRICE DESERVES LOVE!!!

George Wickham (Pride and Prejudice)

"I know I be gone/I know I be flirting with them girls/I know I be said I be right back but take too long/I know I be saying I be faithful but I don't/I know I be making you them promises, then breaking your heart again..." - "Break Up" (2009) 

I feel like this one speaks for itself. Cad. 

Lydia and Kitty Bennet (Pride and Prejudice)

"With you by my side, we can cause some disruption." - "MARS" (2020)

Again, self-explanatory. 

Willoughby (Sense & Sensibility)

"Girl let me take you to places that you don't even know/Oh, I wanted girls before but, never like this/And I know I can't have it all but, I'll settle for a kiss." - "Skippin" (2007)

Willoughby is slightly less of a cad and more romantic than Wickham, but equally as thirsty. 

Lady Susan Vernon (Lady Susan)

"'Cause I stay dipped, I stay laced/And I know you know I'm fly" - "Just a Friend" (2002)

Braggadocio? It has to be given to the character described as "the most accomplished coquette in England".

Lady Catherine de Bourgh (Pride and Prejudice)

"Being icy ain't easy (brr) I make it look easy (brr)" - "Break Up" (2009)

Never thought I'd be making a connection between Gucci Mane and Lady Catherine, but here we are. She's rude, she's cold, she's devastating. :)