Please Stop Saying Small D*ck Energy

In the interest of diplomacy: I understand that for some people, this conversation seems like an overreaction. Maybe you perspective is that it's just not that deep ; or you wish everyone wouldn't get so offended over everything, or you feel like this post is policing your words in a way that's unfair or over-the-top. I understand why you would react that way. 

This is not a "I've never done anything wrong ever!!! I'm better than you!!! Learn from my perfect wisdom!!!" kind of post. As I've aged, there's been several words and phrases that I've chosen to eliminate from my vocabulary after earning about unfortunate underlying messages or problematic origins. From my perspective, there is almost always another way to communicate what we are trying to say (even if it may take some creativity on our parts). I can't control what you choose to say and what you don't, but if you are someone who does alter your language to prevent your words from perpetuating harmful notions, then I hope this post can help you do that. 

With that said, it's my opinion that we should stop using the phrase "small d*ck energy"-- or really, any phrase/sentiment that implies that the bad behavior of cisgender men is proof that their bodies or s*xual prowess are "lacking" according to what society says they should be. 

[My original draft included a list of examples and I'm not going to lie. When I wrote down what came to mind, they all read as kind of cheesy (because evidently I lack a Shakespearean talent for making up bawdy insults), and when I put together a list sourced from Instagram + Twitter, they were just gross to the point I feel like it tipped over into trigger territory. You all know exactly what kinds of statements I'm talking about so let's just move on, okay?) 

My reasons why we should stop using this particular phrasing goes beyond "aw, we don't want to hurt the poor men's feelings!" I mean, I guess it is punching below the belt (pun intended and wow am I proud) but I feel like insults like this are harmful in deeper and more insidious ways:

1) This re-enforces a binary-based view of sex and gender. 

*This part gets a little college assignment-ish so feel free to skip down for the more rant-y vibes.*

First of all, the view that certain genitalia = man and other genitalia = woman is not only exclusionary, it's also not scientifically accurate, as there is a significant population of people whose bodies does not "fit" just one of the two labels. This could be due to a multitude of reasons, including genetics, a physical disability, or being intersex...both of which are more common than you might think. According to the Intersex Campaign for Equality, "the most thorough existing research finds intersex people to constitute an estimated 1.7% of the population*, which makes being intersex about as common as having red hair (1%-2%)." 

Additionally, a significant number of trans individuals identify with a gender that does not "match" the body that this binary says they should have. Furthermore, it is also important to recognize that trans experiences are not universal--while some trans people decide to physically transition in some way in order to express their gender identity, not everyone does. Also, the gender identity of a trans person who does decide to physically transition is 100% valid before, during, and after that process. 

Similarly, people who identify as nonbinary, genderfluid, two-spirit, or as both/neither a "man" or a "woman" can have any range of body types. Regardless of what form they exist in, their identity should be not only validated, but celebrated. 

All this to say: viewing others' bodies through this binary-based lens both excludes and invalidates a huge portion of humanity, so why not change our focus to something that better serves the world we live in as a whole? 

2) This communicates that a person's body should look and/or function a certain way and if it doesn't, something is fundamentally wrong with them. 

It's my understanding that for some people (particularly cisgender, heterosexual, white women) who have had their sense of desire repressed by patriarchal ideals, "turning the tables" by upholding body standards for what we consider "men" (who are really people with penises) and putting them in a position of insecurity over their sexual prowess feels like reclaiming power.  

But it's not really feminism if we're excluding people with penises who don't identify as men (including those who identify as women) and people without penises who do identify as men. It's not feminism to act like trans* individuals, intersex people, people who identify as nonbinary/genderfluid, disabled folks don't exist.

It's not feminism because it's actually harmful to everyone, including ourselves. Reinforcing the idea that it's okay to put pressure on someone to look a certain way because that defines their value as a person is not only wrong, it's soul-crushing. 

Seriously. Do we really need to maintain ANOTHER unattainable standard for what a "good" body looks like? Are we really going to invent another insecurity in millions of people when at the end of the day, someone out there--and almost certainly several someones--will find it perfectly lovely and magnificent? Do we really need to continue pretending like the way your body looks and functions defines whether you will have joy or success in relationships (or even that everyone should want a relationship that thrives on that sort of thing)?  

Speaking of which...

3) This perpetuates the lie that desire and desirability is universal. 

Why, why, WHY do we keep spinning the lie that everyone wants a sexual partner at all, wants the same thing in a sexual partner, and wants same kind of sexual experience? And also, if you don't want one or more of those things, suddenly you're weird or broken or wrong. Why do we pretend like there aren't billions of people in the world with different comfort levels and interests and boundaries? We don't ascribe that bizarre, rigid universality to things like handwriting or what songs you listen to in what order or pizza topping preferences; so why do we force it on something like sex and desire? 

I mean I know the answer is white supremacy ruins everything, especially gender/sex/sexuality, but I still felt the need to put it into words, because UGH.

4) This links a "man's" identity to their physicality, specifically their sexuality. 

I feel like I tired out this notion in my previous post about aro/ace Christians but: what about the asexual men?? Men who plan to have sex one day but who just aren't ready or are celibate for religious reasons? Men on medication that dampen their sex drive, whose physical or mental illness prevents sexual activity, or who simply can't or don't want have sex the way that people say they should? Or, on the flip side: what about people with a very robust sex life whose genitals don't look or function the way you'd expect? 

I think it's really sad how masculinity has been warped, especially by the Church. As a Christian woman, I know all too well the rhetoric about how a real man is driven by their natural instincts instead of their emotions. I have heard a million times about how men's high sex drives absolve them of all self-control, painting such an assertion as some kind of proof of passion. My pet peeve is the classic anecdote about how charmingly annoying it is that husbands just want sex all the time from their smoking hot wives, to the point where they make the greatest sacrifice a red-blooded male can make: deigning to do the housework. 

To be clear, I'm not saying housework isn't a legitimate mating ritual; you do you. I just find it really interesting and honestly demeaning how the church often paints wives as viewing sex as just another chore and therefore must be coaxed or bargained into participating when that sounds a lot like coercion. But that's a post for another day.

Just as someone's body does not define their identity as a "man", neither does their sexual preferences, desire levels, or really anything have to do with sex or sexuality. 

It's honestly really strange that being a man + being a sexual being have become synonymous with each other, and then those two traits = having a penis that is a certain size...which then multiplies into being "good" at sex, whatever that means? 

Math isn't my strong suit, but even I can tell that doesn't add up. 

Finally, I'll just say this:

5) Commenting on someone else's private parts is tacky at best and disgustingly creepy at worst. 

Listen, if you want to insult someone or defend yourself with a brutal comment, I think a classic "You're gross" or "Someone wants attention really bad huh" or "I would never have sex with you" works just fine, without bringing all of the above into it. 

[I know those examples aren't great but I already warned y'all about my lack of insult-writing skills okay?]

And with that, I leave you. Much love to you always.