Purity Culture

So here’s the thing, y’all. 

Purity culture—the idea that you should only engage in physical and/or emotional acts of romance with one person in your entire lifetime (typically within the confines of a heteronormative marriage) can be extremely enticing. At least, it was for me.

As a kid, I was terrified of the idea of messing up. I wanted everything I did to be perfect the very first time I did it. I was terrified of making a mistake of any kind—and this made me terrified of dating, because I wanted the first guy I dated, the first guy I kissed, the first guy I cared about emotionally to be the “right choice”. 

On top of that, I was incredibly insecure. About my body, my personality, and about how I relate to others. As a young person, I felt socially awkward and emotionally distant from almost everyone, and couldn’t see how anyone would be romantically attracted to me because I didn’t feel like I was beautiful, smart, or interesting.

So, it was so comforting to think that there was one perfect match that would love me and promise themselves to me forever BECAUSE being frumpy and submissive and stereotypically feminine made me an ideal woman to them. I still struggle with this. So many times a day, I will randomly think “Well, I have to be single forever because no one can ever see me like this/know this about me/I can’t handle the upkeep and pressure it takes to fit the ideal of what a date-able woman should be.”

Also, purity culture assuaged all my fears and anxieties about being vulnerable with someone. Not only did I not have to address difficult and scary topics, I wasn’t supposed to—not addressing it made me a better candidate for marriage, in fact. And that was the finish line. Marriage = someone who would never leave me, even if I was ugly or stupid or boring or mediocre. They would love me for who (I thought) I was, and I wouldn’t have to risk anything to get that. 

I wanted it to be true. I still do, if I’m totally honest. But I have to be honest about how it really affected me. 

Purity culture hurt me. But maybe not in the way you think. 

Christian culture proclaims purity culture as the only road to true, divorce-proof, Godly happiness. There were and are countless stories, YouTube videos, TV shows about couples who never kissed before marriage, who practiced “courtship” instead of dating, who married their kindergarten sweetheart. And I desperately wanted (and often still want) to be one of those success stories.

The idea that it could be that easy to be loved when it had always seemed so difficult before was so enticing to me. I never have and still don’t feel 100% comfortable dating. I struggle often at being emotional with someone without those insecurities creeping in. Purity culture was supposed to be my way out, the thing that said “Actually, nothing is wrong with you for being scared and stressed and uncomfortable—you’re actually BETTER OFF for feeling like that!” But instead, it trapped me into still feeling like nobody wanted me because I wasn’t the perfect Christian girl either—I was too progressive, too awkward, still not pretty enough or submissive enough. I could never be what purity culture wanted me to be, and I suffered while trying to become that anyway. 

Sometimes people think that those who feel harmed by purity culture are just bitter or guilty because they couldn’t hack it. But I am living proof that you can follow all the rules of purity culture to the best of your ability, and still come out the other side feeling like something is broken. 

Today, I feel almost stunted in a romantic sense. It’s like I am a young person navigating areas of (what should be) an adult relationship that everyone else has already figured out. And I’m even further away from the promises of purity culture because of it. Who wants a 25 year old woman who has never been someone’s girlfriend? Who still isn’t ready for marriage despite being a full-fledged adult because instead of setting healthy boundaries, I try to match what I think the other person wants me to be?

I still can’t communicate honestly about my emotions because I’m so desperate to say/do the right thing so there won’t be any conflict. I thought buying into purity culture would turn that into a positive trait (#keepsweet) but it only exacerbated a personality flaw to the point of making it almost automatic. 

I don’t know how to unlearn this. Sometimes I feel like I am moving towards a healthier self, and then I’m forced to reckon with just how much farther I have to go. I don’t even know what this blog post will do in that regard. Calling it a testimony seems blasphemous, but that doesn’t mean it’s not the right word. I guess this is just to say that if you too feel hurt by purity culture’s empty promises, you’re not the only one. It’s not because anything is wrong with you. You can follow all the rules and still feel like you lost, and that’s not on you.