Sex-Positive Purity Culture Isn't Enough

So just a quick overview: if you know me, you know that that "purity culture" grinds my gears. To be clear, it is not the intention behind it that bothers me. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for oneself and one's relationship related to physical intimacy. I will always believe abstinence and/or saving physical intimacy for marriage is just as valid as any other choice. It would be hypocritical of me to say otherwise. What bothers me is that in order to further the the movement, a vast majority of purity culture's supporters use harmful scare tactics and emotional manipulation to spread misinformation.

First of all, I want to address a common misconception: that purity culture is a strictly Christian issue, strictly about sexual behavior.

Purity culture has roots in many religions other than Christianity (including Judaism and Islam), and it also has roots outside of religion as well. This is because intersectional issues, such as racism, misogyny, ableism, fatphobia, transphobia, fetishization, and cultural appropriation, carry pervasive purity culture ideals in both a religious and non-religious manner.

Take pop culture, for example (a place that many Christians would claim is devoid of religion entirely): purity culture exists in discussions over Jennifer Lopez + Shakira's dancing and outfits during the Super Bowl halftime show. It exists in the judgment placed on how many contestants sleep with whichever white man is this year's Bachelor during Fantasy Suite week (or how many contestants the Bachelorette chooses to sleep with, inside or outside of in a windmill). It exists in countless magazine articles detailing arbitrary rules about kissing on the first date, or the difference between "flirty" and "trashy" Halloween costumes.

Purity culture also exists within our daily conversations with others. Think about school dress codes relating to the length of one's shorts or the thickness of one's tank top strap. Or how society encourages fathers to threaten their daughters' prom dates, or joke that because his child is considered conventionally attractive, he'll have to "beat the boys off with a stick." Or even the way young girls are rewarded for dressing in a "classy" way/"dressing their age" or "enhancing their natural beauty" with certain makeup techniques. Even when removed from a religious context, there are right and wrong ways to portray yourself physically that act as a clue to the specific type of behavior. Not only do we assume a certain look implies that a person is insecure, trashy, dirty, lazy, or "doesn't respect" themselves, society infers that it also means that person is promiscuous, which comes with its own set of negative connotations. Yes, this usually coincides with the idea that if they were a person of faith, they would act/dress differently because promiscuity is also associated with immorality or indecency, but not always. 

I will say that because I am a Christian myself, I am more qualified to speak on purity culture within that religious context than in others. So that is the context within which we will be discussing sex-positive purity culture today. Additionally, this conversation is going to take a heteronormative angle strictly because a different facet of purity culture is foisted on the queer community by Christian circles, most often lifelong celibacy...which is not much of an upgrade from outright condemnation, in my opinion. As with my views on heteronormative relationships, I only support boundaries that you chose for yourselves.

Plainly speaking, purity culture is rooted in judgment. It's based on the idea that there is one set of rules for everyone regarding physical intimacy, when God has created us to be diverse as individuals and in our relationships should we choose to have them. Judgment, even well-meaning judgment with a smile, divides us from each other. Subsequently, this pushes us as individuals further from God, and deeper into shame + guilt.

Now that we've got a good basis, let's get to the main point of this whole rant: putting a sex-positive spin on purity culture is not enough.

In recent years, the modern Christian church had started to admit that for many people, "purity" can be a struggle. While it's a positive shift to acknowledge the concept of physical desire--especially for believers who aren't men--and acknowledge that physical intimacy shouldn't be considered a chore, the  new tactics of validating and endorsing purity culture leave many Christians out of the equation.

One group (for lack of a better word) that is ignored by this is the asexual Christian community. For those who may not be aware, a basic definition of asexuality is a low or lack of sexual attraction to others and/or desire for sexual activity. Keep in mind that there is a broad spectrum of asexual sub-identities, so further research may be of interest if you'd like to learn more.

While it is fantastic that modern Christian churches are redefining the conversation around sexuality to be less "this is a scary dangerous thing you must never ever think about...until you're married, then it's suddenly fine" and more "physical intimacy is a gift, because marriage is a gift", this tactic can create feelings of shame or guilt in Christians who are on the asexual spectrum. They may think, "Wow, something is wrong with me. Everyone else is struggling to maintain this, and it's not hard for me at all. Do I not love my fiancé(e) enough? Is this a sign that God isn't calling me to marriage, even though I love this person and I want to marry them?" Even worse, they may be upheld as an ultimate example of abstinence prior to marriage (i.e "look at how easy it is for so-and-so to abstain!") and then, expecting things to change upon marriage, be confused or scared by the continuing lack of desire after they wed. Their partner could even feel like it's their fault, and the marriage could suffer from that as well.

For people who have undergone some kind of assault or trauma related to physical intimacy (who have already been immeasurably hurt by the negative purity culture), a sex-positive purity message can be confusing. It can even lead to unrealistic expectations that physical intimacy within marriage can't or won't trigger emotions related to that trauma. While it is often important to redefine the concept of physical intimacy for people who have experiences this kind of trauma, the idea that marriage is the magic ingredient is a very dangerous yet common claim.

What's more, some people cannot engage in physical intimacy due to physical limitations, disabilities, or health concerns. By equating a healthy marriage with the presence of physical intimacy within marriage, Christianity also discredits and ignores this community.

Another reason sex-positive purity culture isn't enough is that it creates an unrealistic standard of what physical intimacy within marriage should be. Sex-positive purity culture can easily morph into making marriage about physical intimacy, when that is often just one part of a couple's relationship. Not only does every relationship have a different dynamic regarding physical intimacy, desire/attraction can be fluid throughout one's lifetime due to a myriad of factors. It is dangerous to tell married Christians--or anyone--that there is a specific set of "Godly" preferences or rules related to their intimate lives. It is impossible for any couple to meet those standards 100% for the entirety of their marriage. As people change with their circumstances, their boundaries, needs, and desires change as well. Instead of claiming that couples should try to match a specific standard in order to maintain a 'Godly' marriage, why not remind them that God can walk with them (as individuals and as a couple) as their marriage evolves?

Am I saying something that hasn't been said before? I'm not sure. To me, a lot of this information seems obvious now in a way it didn't when I was younger. Then again, there is always more to learn about this topic.

While I believe that some people who perpetuate purity culture (especially those who perpetuate sex-positive purity culture) do so with positive intentions, the concept itself is so poisonous that there is no way to endorse it without also endorsing dangerous or harmful ideas. What I believe Christians should do instead is:

• Take inventory of your insecurities, traumas, needs, desires, flaws, etc. and use those to set healthy boundaries within your relationships, especially ones moving towards marriage.
• Encourage others to do the same.
• Eliminate the idea that we need to separate our spirituality from our sexuality. 
• Invite God to give us guidance regarding what boundaries would work best for us.
• When teaching others about relationships, to be open & honest about the fact that marriage is not one size fits all, and not everyone wants to pursue marriage or physical intimacy.
• Respect the boundaries of your partner, both before and after marriage. 
• Cease making assumptions about people's morality or connection to God based on how they look or how they act
• Act with love instead of judgment. 
• Be proud of your own boundaries, and encourage others to have pride in theirs. With God, we have no shame. God frees us from shame + guilt. 

To my dear Christian friends:
Your boundaries are between you and God. I trust and respect God's guidance for you just as I trust and respect God's guidance for myself, in all things. Physical intimacy included. :)