Loving Someone Who Loves Someone Else

I believe two things:

1. You can't help who you fall for.
2. It is possible to have a healthy friendship with someone you have feelings for that is dating someone else...if you have healthy boundaries surrounding emotional intimacy. 

To be clear: you can't help who you develop feelings for. But what you CAN control is how you express those feelings and what you do about them.

First, let's get one thing out of the way: does it suck that you have to establish extra boundaries that you wouldn't if you only had platonic feelings for the person? Absolutely. It's super unfair, and I'm sorry that it's the case. But if you want to prevent certain outcomes, then unfortunately it is necessary, at least in my personal experiences/observation.  

So how do you know if your friendship is crossing those lines? You can start with asking yourself:

• Does this person confide in me and only me about certain things? Do I do the same?
• Does this person hide aspects of our friendship from their significant other (S.O) such as text/phone conversations, when we hang out, or what we talked about? Do I feel pressured to hide aspects of our friendship from their S.O, my family, or friends in case someone will get the wrong idea? 
• Does this person say things like "I wish my S.O was like you", "You understand me better than [S.O] does" or even "If I was single, I would date/kiss/marry you"? 
• Do I feel like this person "needs" me in a way that they don't need their S.O?
• Do I create opportunities for this person to comfort or "rescue" me? Do they often come to me for comfort or healing instead of their S.O?
• Do they ask me for romantic advice, specifically for how to deal with a difficult S.O or how to handle situations where their S.O is allegedly in the wrong?
• Do they share personal or embarrassing details about their S.O without their permission/knowledge? 

These are what we call red flags. The presence of any of these red flags in inappropriate, but this is especially true if the person is aware that you have romantic feelings for them. If someone is in a committed relationship, and they bring someone else that they know is in love with them into their relationship by asking for validation or advice, it is a bad idea 100% of the time.  

When you have feelings for someone, naturally you will have a hard time seeing a negative side to their behavior. You will accept their version of events, particularly concerning disagreements with their S.O. You will make excuses for them, and allow them to villainize their S.O if they so choose. THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU STUPID. THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON. We all do this in regards to people we love/have loyalty towards. But you need to be aware that your perspective is marred by your bias.

Regardless of whether their S.O is a mutual friend or whether they are a stranger to you, a tiny part of you (the part that holds feelings for this other person) is hoping that this moment is the one where the object of your affections realizes the two of you are meant to be. You want to believe that they are trapped, and that they need you, because you are the only one who understands them. That makes you feel special to them, it makes you feel wanted, and it builds emotional intimacy between you. Regardless of your intentions, you cannot be impartial, and therefore you cannot give sound advice. Add the fact that you're almost certainly getting a incomplete version of the story, and it is clear that you should absolutely not get involved. This is how emotional cheating starts: by building emotional intimacy that cannot be platonic, because the romantic feelings are already there.

If your friend isn't setting those boundaries, you are the one responsible for setting them. It's not fair, but it is necessary to preserve the integrity of the friendship, as well as to avoid getting caught up in an emotional cheating situation.

For those already in an emotional cheating situation:

You are not a bad person. The person you are in love with is not a bad person. But please know that this situation is not a healthy one.

If they are treating you like an S.O without actually being your S.O (and having someone else filling that place in their life), you are being used. They may be doing so unintentionally, but it is happening. Emotional intimacy is an important part of every friendship, but if it is feeding that part of you that is romantically attached--if it is serving as evidence that you should be together, or that there is hope, or that you are special in a way that their S.O is not--then it is hurting you. You are tricking your heart into believing that you have something that you don't, and there is no healthy way to sustain that.

Some may say, "But if they don't respect their relationship or their S.O, why should I?" The answer is because you are a good person, and a good person doesn't allow themselves to be used, even by someone they care about. Nor do they disrespect someone else in the process.

Once again: the person may not be aware that they are using you. They may be attracted to you in some way, or confused about their feelings for you. But if you are meant to be together, then it is their responsibility to end their current relationship before they commit to starting one with you. If they don't or won't do that, it is likely that what they like about you is the attention you give. It's painful to admit, but if they wanted to be with you, then they would be with you...and ONLY you.

If someone enjoys being loved by you, that doesn't not translate to them loving you back. 

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you are using self-harm, an eating disorder, anxiety/depression, or suicidal thoughts to build emotional intimacy between you and this person (or if they are doing this to you), you must seek professional help. I would also recommend a time of separation (or some major distance if total separation isn't possible) for everyone's safety and well-being.

So how do we set healthy boundaries in our friendships?

Firstly, one must mentally separate what is romantic behavior and what is platonic behavior. The standards are different for everyone, but very important. You must also be very honest with yourself, which can be difficult. Once you figure out where the lines are, you know where to set your boundaries. This can look like "Ok, so I've got to stop daydreaming about what our kids will look like" to "I need to rely on someone else to talk me through my panic attacks" to "No more making flirty comments on their thirst traps on Instagram."

Please be patient with yourself. The goal is not to let go of your feelings or to "get over" the person--only time + distance can do that. The goal is to free yourself from a false reality where you get 50% of the S.O experience through emotional intimacy.

Generally, having secrets that relate to emotionally intimate topics is a slippery slope. Finding someone else to confide in about these topics, whether it's a therapist, another friend who you aren't attracted to, or a relative, can be a great first step. This is not about removing the trust within your friendship--it's about leveling out the playing field so you don't have to feel miserable because the one person that you can tell anything to & who understands you better than anyone else isn't yours.

I am not a fan of guilt, but in this case it can be another effective radar for what is appropriate and what's not. If you feel guilty about certain aspects of your friendship or you have the urge to hide it, that might signify a potential boundary. Or if that doesn't work, try to see it from another perspective: if the person's S.O read that text conversation or witnessed that moment between you, would they be upset? Well sure, you say, but they're jealous and possessive, so that doesn't count. What about a mutual friend? If someone outside of the situation would find it weird, then it's probably weird.

Here's the thing: I don't have all the answers, especially when every situation is complicated and unique. But I do know that every healthy friendship has boundaries of some ilk. Unrequited romantic feelings are rough enough as it is, and no one needs the extra messiness that an emotional cheating situation brings on top of that.

Maybe you'll be the exception. Maybe the person you have feelings for will end things with their partner and fall for you back. If that happens, great! If it does, I think it's better to start that relationship off with a healthy friendship, with no guilt or regret attached. I think it's better to know for certain that that person would never emotionally cheat on you, because they have good character and healthy boundaries with their platonic friends. I think it's better to know for certain that you will never emotionally cheat on them either, because you have the same.

Basically, I want you to have a healthy relationship + healthy friendships, and I hope this wild, long-winded post helps you get there. <3