Life Update: Jane Eyre, A New Internship, Feelings

Hi, friends! I know no one is sitting around asking themselves "What's Austen doing right now", but just in case I'm wrong about that...here's a life update. :)

First of all, paperwork is all signed, so it's official: I will be spending September 2019-May 2020 in Richmond as an Archival/House Management Intern at Virginia Repertory Theatre. I am SO excited--I'm a huge fan of VARep and their dedication to diversity & social justice. I actually had to turn down the internship a few weeks ago, but due to a miracle I can only attest to the Lord, my situation changed and I was generously re-offered the position. In some ways, I am terrified to strike out on this new adventure, but I know it will be an experience that will encourage growth, humble me, and teach me to become more independent and brave. Fun fact: I move into the provided housing the day after Jane Eyre closes, so that's going to be a bit of a whirlwind, haha.

Speaking of Jane Eyre, preparing for the show is consuming my life in the best way at the moment, so here's a verbose explanation about how that's going:

["But Austen," you say. "You're not in college anymore. You don't need to do a Senior Project-style blog."

Alas, this is true...but in true Austen fashion, I'm going to be ridiculous and do it anyway.]

We're halfway through the rehearsal process, and the process has reiterated 1) how much I've missed acting, 2) how helpful the skills I learned from UMW Theatre really are, and 3) how rusty I am in certain areas, haha.

I've memorized about 75% of my lines (admittedly with some minor paraphrasing) so far, which has helped quell my anxiety a tad. A lot of the first act involves her witnessing her past rather than interacting directly with other characters onstage, which has been a much-needed exercise in listening and reacting without stealing focus. Building the character of Jane has been a fun and interesting experience. She goes through a ton of trauma, so mapping her levels of sadness, disappointment, frustration, anger, hope, and joy has become a huge priority. I'm having a harder time figuring out some of Jane's tactics/objectives though, which leads me to...my other challenges!!!

It's been about a year since the last time I performed. That process was also challenging and a great learning experience, but in a different way. I speak a lot more in this play than I did in the last one, which has led me to confront the reality that I have forgotten how to get into tone/speak in a healthy way. It only took one readthrough for me to notice my voice getting tired. Since then, I've been y-buzzing in between/before/during rehearsals, although to be perfectly honest I still haven't quite gotten back into the groove of it yet. It's definitely something I'm going to need to keep up with on the daily. 

Another challenge has been perfecting a British dialect. It's come leaps and bounds from where I've started, but there are still some words/sounds that aren't quite right. Memorizing lines in the dialect has been helping some. Going slowly at first to focus on every syllable to make sure it's clear and enunciated despite the dialect has been helpful as well. Hopefully the more I work on it, the more natural it will sound.  Our dialect coach (who is also acting in the play) has been extremely helpful throughout the process, and I'm very thankful for her expertise.

I'm working on eating more frequently, stretching/warming up my body before rehearsals (without over-exercising), and getting more sleep. I know as an adult I should be taking care of myself like this already...but life gets in the way sometimes, ok?

I've learned a ton from Jane already, and I admire her character so much. She is such a compassionate and forgiving character, despite the abuses and hardships she's been through in her young life. What's more, she speaks her mind with candor and strength (despite having built an emotional wall between herself and others because of her trauma). The depth of her faith and trust in God is so inspiring. Honestly, I'm a little scared about whether I can do her justice!

Overall, I've experienced a fair amount of "imposter syndrome" since the beginning of the process. Everyone that I am working with has been incredibly talented, and I've already caught myself giving in to my insecurity and overapologizing for my mistakes. Sometimes I get so stuck on what I'm doing wrong and how far I have yet to go. It's easy to forget that it's not supposed to be perfect yet, and that growth can only come from challenges. I don't want to be one of those actors that desperately needs positive encouragement or reassurance, even though that is all too close to who I am as a person. I know that to be insecure makes me difficult to work with, that it steals time the production doesn't have. Fighting my natural instinct to put myself down and take responsibility for anything that goes wrong has been hard, and I have already failed at it too many times. Here's hoping this week, I make stronger choices and fewer mistakes, as well as remember to focus on something other than my own darn ego. :)