Random Reflections on Relationships

Last month, my sister Alex filmed and edited a documentary discussing the nuances of human connection, particularly romantic relationships. At the beginning of her project, we talked a lot about our own experiences and I ended up with a lot of random thoughts that I decided to post here. :) These are all just my own opinions, and while they aren't ground-breaking or anything, I still thought I'd share.

Firstly, let me be honest. I'm not an experienced person when it comes to romance. I've been on very few dates in my life, and although none of them were necessarily train wreck level, every single one of them has left me feeling anxious and on the edge of a panic. I don't even enjoy it during the date--I feel awkward and disingenuous and like I'm trying too hard, and and I've never understood why. After a lot of thinking it over, observing other people's situations, and binging Christiane Amanpour's Netflix docu-series on relationships around the world, I think that I've pinpointed what the issue might be.

I think the way I've been taught to approach dating (and what perhaps may be the case for others as well) is that it is more about what we want out of the date than the person we’re sitting across from. What I mean by this is that we tend to rush the “getting to know you” part of the process: the part after the initial attraction, but before we reach the level of having actual emotional intimacy. We push and manipulate the beginning of the connection to try and avoid this moment as much as possible.

So why do we do this to ourselves? I suspect that it’s because when we feel lonely or hungry for human connection, what we’re yearning for are the nuances of relationship that can only happen once you’ve gotten past that early phase: the cuddling, the good morning texts, the venting after a long day at work, the holidays with family that don’t have any lingering “meet the parents” anxiety. Like it or not, those moments don’t happen until after we go through the awkward stage of getting to know one another.

As a woman, I am constantly bombarded with tactics and techniques to not only catch a man, but to keep him. During the majority of my life, this has affected the way I look, dress, speak, have fun, sleep, drink, eat, dance, work, and plan for my future, whether I do so consciously or not. Basically, do whatever you can to attract the person that you are attracted to. Now I understand that you can't make someone feel anything--but of course, as a youth I believed that I was indeed responsible for that.

Culturally, I have also been taught that attraction is what makes a connection worth pursuing--and furthermore, that it is a sign that this person is destined to be an important person in my life. There's an overwhelming sense that if you feel chemistry with someone, your objective is not to see if you are compatible with one another, but to find some way to obtain that person. Dating is supposed to be about genuinely getting to know a person that we are attracted to, and seeing if they are compatible for us. Instead, we treat it as a way to obtain a person that we have decided is already ours, despite not having the evidence to prove that compatibility. We interpret attraction as a sign that this person is the ONE, instead of it being an indicator that this person is a potential possibility. Think of all the movies, TV shows, and songs about a person whose goal is to find a way to be with their crush--how often do we see that fallout of the situation? What happens if despite the desperate longing and intense feelings, the two of them just aren't compatible in enough ways to sustain a longterm relationship? And what's more, how much of that attraction has been borne out of the distance, or the novelty of wanting someone you can't have (and therefore don't really know)?  

And let me be clear--the stage of getting to know one another is awkward. Regardless of the effortlessness of your chemistry or the immediacy of your attraction, discussing the nitty gritty details will always involve a bit of stress and tension. To be honest, finding out if you’re compatible is the least cute, least fun part of dating, because it carries the possibility that you will have to torpedo this whole situation despite the level of attraction you hold for this person. Maybe it’s a serious reason, like one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t, or differing religions. Maybe it’s a peccadillo you can’t get past, the timing, schedules, personal problems--regardless, there needs to be that pivotal moment when you determine if pursuing this person is worth your time and energy. And that’s freaking terrifying and stressful as heck.

Now, I'm not saying that the concepts of ~love at first sight~ or feeling a *spark* aren't real. Attraction is important, and I don't think you should date someone you aren't attracted to. But I think we place the majority of the value on the attraction, and in doing so, assign further meaning to it that isn't there. You aren't always going to mesh well with someone you are attracted with in the ways that you need to in order to carry on a long term relationship, if that's what you want. You need it, but you also need more than that to succeed in finding someone to share your life with.

To be honest, I think dating has felt fake to me because in a way, it has been fake. When we make it our mission to “get” this person and to make them fall in love with us, we consequently create a false idea of who we are, who they are, and what our connection is. Human connections are foremost learning experiences. I am learning that it is possible for someone to be right for who you are at a certain time in your life, but not necessarily right for who you are going to grow to be. I also think despite popular belief, it can be beneficial to recognize your physical and/or emotional attraction to someone and yet refrain from pursuing them romantically.

This continues to be a topic I'm learning a lot about. The nuances of human connection are fascinating to me, and because I process through writing, I will definitely continue to ramble about it in the future. If you have any insights to share on the subject, feel free to do so! :)