Feeling Distant from God

A friend and I were recently talking about doubt (not the play for once, haha), specifically regarding to doubting one's faith. When I say doubt, I don't necessarily mean doubting that God exists--although sometimes the rabbit hole can lead that way--but more of doubting one's connection with God. The more I thought about it, I felt like a better phrasing was "feeling distant from God".

For me, this is a taboo subject if you're a person of faith. (Note: I am a Christian, so my experience will be within that context, but I think this can be applied to many different faith journeys.)

I'm pretty open about following God, so whenever I am feeling distant from him, it's easy to feel uneasy about what people will think. One insecurity I have is that my Christian friends will assume I'm losing my faith entirely and judge me as "Not Christian enough". It terrifies me that their response will probably fall somewhere between "Well, you just aren't coming to church as much as you should" and "Wow, I can't imagine what that feels like!" Another insecurity is what the people close to me who don't believe in God will think--that they will ignore my pain and instead treat it as a validation of their own feelings: "Oh, that's how I stopped believing. I'm glad you're finally starting to see I was right."

This is when Guilt and Shame come into play. Guilt and Shame are dangerous. My instinct becomes to hide my feelings from my Christian and non-Christian friends alike, further isolating myself. Distance from God therefore becomes distance from many. In addition, Guilt & Shame encourage me to pretend things are fine when they aren't, which is when practicing my faith both in public and in private starts to feel performative. This can mean praying, going to youth group, and even wearing a cross around my neck all start to carry Guilt and Shame too, because I am starting to question whether I am doing them because I want to or because I should. (Note: this doesn't mean that actions are disingenuous, just that they might feel that way.) This cycle is not healthy.

I choose to believe that this is not what God wants for me. The truth is, the situation is more nuanced and more common than Christians like to talk about. I would even go so far as to say that every single believer has, at some point in their life, felt distant from God. I also believe that understanding the reasons why we feel distant sometimes & de-stigmatizing these experiences will encourage healing.

So, to start: there are 2 ways we feel distant from God:

1) We feel as if we are far away from where God is.
2) We feel as if God is far away from where we are.

There is Guilt and Shame in both situations. For the first, there is Guilt over the suspicion that I feel distant from God because I have done something wrong, that I haven't prayed enough or allowed myself to be distracted or made a bad decision. There is Shame because I cannot talk to anyone about it, because I am afraid of being judged/condemned/gossiped about. There is also Shame because I think I am the only one with this problem. For the latter, there is Guilt because of the so-called "wrong" or "bad" emotions that come with feeling that God has abandoned us: disappointment, bitterness, hopelessness, anger, frustration, despair, confusion, etc. It is scary to admit that I am not happy with God, and that I blame him for the pain I feel. So, I bottle it up (even though I know that He knows) and allow the Shame & the Guilt to isolate me.

When I was younger, there were many times I literally told God "I'm not going to talk to You because it hurt my feelings when You let this happen to me." (I was way sassier as a kid, haha.) I'm happy to say I don't do that anymore, but even though I know God is good & there is a reason for the pain I go through on the daily, I am human. There are times I still feel bitterness or hopelessness towards God; still have human responses to these situations. I will not be afraid to admit that. :)

So, what now? Well, here's where it gets a little radical:

An important part of my journey was understanding that distance from God doesn't mean distance from His love.

Guilt & Shame can only work if I believe that there is a standard for me to follow, and if I believe that I have control over how close I can get to God. But the experience of feeling distant from God isn't wrong, it isn't shameful, and it isn't my fault.

Here's where it gets a lot radical:

There is literally nothing you can do to make God love you less. God loves people close to Him the same amount that He loves those far from Him. He loves those who come to church every day to those to come once every ten years. He loves those who read their Bible daily to those who have never read it at all. If you had never made any of the mistakes you made in life, and if you'd never done anything wrong ever, it would have 0% of an effect on His love for you.

Is this difficult to wrap your head around? Is this almost impossible to believe? YES. Like all humans, I hate myself so often that I have a hard time believing it too. But it's true.

There are people that don't like this way of thinking. Like, "Wait--if that's true, then why does it matter what you do? What's stopping you from doing all of the bad things you want to do, The Purge-style, all the time, if God's just going to love you anyway? We can't say that! There are Ten Commandments for a reason!?"

Here's the thing. I know from experience that Guilt & Shame will trap you into continuing unethical or "wrong" behavior because self-hatred is a powerful entity. Being afraid of not being good enough, especially of being the only one who's not good enough, will keep you in a dark place forever. But when you know that God loves you literally no matter what, that's safety. Safety gives you the freedom to try, because you know you cannot fail. You can try every single day to treat others with compassion, justice, generosity, forgiveness, etc. and even if you slip up by gossiping or acting selfishly, you have the freedom to do better next time. There is no pressure, which means the intention is honest. The release of Guilt & Shame (and by association, a lot of fear) through God's unconditional love will allow joy to work its way in, and that will close the distance every time.

Guilt + Shame breed fear, which breeds complacency.

Love breeds freedom, and freedom breeds joy.

This is not me saying "Oh, just believe God loves you and all your problems will go away." Like I said earlier, this is a terribly difficult concept to incorporate when Guilt & Shame are so intertwined with the way humans live our lives. I'm not going to lie: I struggle with believing it daily. So, here are some things that have helped me get out of a rut when I feel distant from God:

If I feel as if I am far away from where God is:

To reiterate, my natural instinct when dealing with Guilt & Shame is to isolate myself. This means things like going to church/youth group or talking to another Christian can feel like too much. So, in order to gently integrate His word and reminders of His love into my day, I try to do simple things like playing praise music while working or taking a walk outside (I always feel closer to God when I'm near trees for some reason???).

IMPORTANT: Sometimes feeling distant from God is a symptom of something more serious relating to depression/anxiety/other mental health situations (similar to the common symptom of not enjoying things you usually enjoy, feeling unmotivated, etc). If you think this might be the case, don't be afraid to pursue treatment (therapy, medication, self-care).

If I feel as if God is far away from where I am:

Instead of trying to pray in a structured way--Thank Him for blessing, Ask Him for help for the self, Ask for help for others, Praise Him, etc--I let go of formality and just talk to Him like I would anybody else. (Who knew prayer was literally just talking to God amirite?). Sometimes it's easier if I talk to Him while I'm doing some kind of chore (washing dishes, folding laundry, cleaning) or while I'm exercising.

IMPORTANT: Sometimes the Guilt & Shame is coming directly from a faith community, be it one person (spiritual mentor, family member, youth group leader, pastor) or many (church, youth group, worship team). If you are being told God has left you because God is not for you, this may actually be God sending you a signal that you should find a new church/mentor/community.

If you are a person of faith, please be compassionate towards those who express feelings of distance from God. Offer reassurance & comfort instead of judgment.

Lastly: God loves you, always. There is no distance that can keep Him from you.

 <3

Disclaimer: I am not a theologian nor am I a pastor. I understand faith is personal, and all the thoughts written here are my own interpretation of what I believe God encourages me to share. It is fine if you disagree.